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Why Supporting Trans People Doesn’t Make You a Groomer
I get called a “groomer” on social media all the time—usually by anonymous accounts or people emboldened by their keyboards. It happens face-to-face too. It can be deeply unsettling. These accusations hurt because they attack the very core of what it means to care for others. If you’re an ally like me, you’ve probably been called a “groomer” too. It stings because inclusion is about protecting vulnerable people, not exploiting them. The insult is intentionally designed to destabilize and silence you. It’s a cruel tactic, but there are ways to respond. What Grooming Really Is Grooming is a calculated process where predators manipulate trust to exploit minors. It’s abuse—period. Supporting trans people is entirely different. Advocating for inclusion creates safe spaces where people can exist free from harm. How I Know Inclusion Is Right My confidence that inclusion training makes organizations more successful comes from decades of experience as a teacher. I watched countless Queer students thrive when they were supported, and I saw firsthand how inclusion transforms lives. Inclusion reduces conflict and creates ecosystems of potential. I now travel the country supporting companies, educators and communities master inclusion amplifies excellence™ for their students, clients, colleagues and community members. How to respsond to being called a “Groomer.”
Recognize the Bigger Picture The “groomer” label is recycled rhetoric once used to demonize gay men as predators to justify discrimination. Today, it targets trans people and allies, perpetuating fear and hostility. By standing firm, leading with empathy, and practicing “raise the bar,” allies can push back. You know your heart is in the right place—don’t let them shake your confidence. Your allyship matters now more than ever. Please reach out if I can support you or your team in this important work. Getting tired? Check out my instagram reel on the topic here. If you’ve noticed more anti-Queer, anti-trans, and anti-LGBTQ+ messaging lately, you’re not alone. This fear-farming rhetoric has real-world consequences—people feel less safe at work and in their communities, and some companies are hiding or cancelling diversity programs due to fear of backlash.
It’s not just in the workplace. Removing protections for 2SLGBTQ+ people has real-life consequences. A recent peer-reviewed study in Nature Human Behavior found that anti-trans laws cause up to a 72% increase in suicide attempts among transgender and nonbinary youth. But there’s promising news. Many organizations are recognizing the need to double down on inclusion strategies, awareness, and compassion. Thank you to those continuing their dedication to meaningful inclusion. Why is this discrimination rising now? People fear change, and for many, Queerness represents change. Politicians and pundits know it’s easy to direct frustration toward marginalized groups. “Punching down” is a known political strategy. The pandemic (sorry for bringing it up!) led to a surge in distrust of public health measures, and conspiracy theorists latched onto that distrust to spread harmful disinformation. Longstanding homophobes and transphobes feel validated by this, now sharing ideas they once kept to themselves. Conservative religious groups have ramped up their anti-Queer messaging too. The result is a toxic mix of fear, religious influence, and hate—fueled by political signals—that we’re seeing manifest in our communities. At LGBTQ Corporate Training, I focus on solutions. Here are some evidence-based strategies to fight discrimination in any organization:
If you’re looking for ways to boost inclusion in your organization, I’m here to help. I offer training and consulting to guide companies through this important work. You’re not alone! BC Election Day is October 19th. 2SLGBTQ+ inclusion in schools is under attack from dangerous misinformation. Please take the time to vote for a party that supports the 2SLGBTQ+ community, instead of trying to erase us. Your vote for inclusion can save lives—it’s proven. Announcement: Catch Mischa Oak at TEDxSurrey on January 18, 2025, Western Canada’s premier TEDx event! Follow my journey on social media to get an inside look at the TEDx process. Social Media Spotlight: Last month’s post on Two-Spirit & Indigiqueer identities went viral! If you missed it, check it out on Instagram. Coming Next Month: Why talking about transgender identities and gender-affirming care isn’t “grooming.” When I first started my career, I thought Two-Spirit was just a catch-all term for Indigenous people who are LGBTQ+. But as I’ve continued my journey of decolonization and Truth & Reconciliation, I’ve come to understand that Two-Spirit reflects something much deeper—a personal connection to an Indigenous worldview beyond LGBTQ+ terms.
As we approach Canada’s Day of Truth & Reconciliation on September 30, it’s a great time to deepen your understanding. Let’s take a closer look at Two-Spirit and Indigiqueer—and when to use each term. Two-Spirit: For many, Two-Spirit refers to Indigenous people who embody both masculine and feminine qualities. The term honours the fluid nature of gender and sexuality and reflects a connection to the spiritual realm. Teachings around Two-Spirit often describe it as a spiritual gift and a connection to ancestors or ceremony. It’s important to remember that Two-Spirit is not a term for non-Indigenous people and carries deep cultural significance unique to each Indigenous nation. Indigiqueer: Refers to Indigenous people who identify with the broader Queer Community. While Two-Spirit often integrates traditional spiritual teachings, Indigiqueer tends to focus on the intersection of Indigenous identity and queer experience in modern political and social contexts. It highlights the contemporary challenges and activism of being both Indigenous and queer, without necessarily being tied to specific spiritual frameworks. Many Indigenous queer folks identify with this term if they want to describe their context of being both Indigenous and LGBTQ+ but don’t necessarily connect that identity with spiritual teachings, ceremony, or connections with ancestors. When in doubt, ask someone what they prefer. Geography Matters: These terms are specific to Turtle Island (North America). Every global region has a long history of inclusion and celebration of queer identities before colonization and imperial religions. Discrimination is Colonial: Most Indigenous communities recognized sexuality and gender diversity before colonization. A devastating impact of colonization has been the imprinting of homophobia and transphobia on communities. Keep Learning: Conversations are a great way to deepen our commitment to inclusion, but Indigenous people are often burdened with always explaining things, so you might also consider learning from the work of widely available public figures, art, and media. When we listen, we contribute to Truth, and when we incorporate understanding into decision-making, we contribute to Reconciliation. With respect and gratitude to the Indigenous nations on whose land we call home, Mischa (he/him) 1. Highlight Your Inclusion Statement
Use this time to share and celebrate your company's diversity inclusion statement publicly. Make a big deal about it! Highlight your commitment to creating an inclusive environment for all employees and clients. 2. Host an Inclusive Workshop Invite a speaker or facilitator to conduct a workshop on LGBTQ+ inclusion and allyship. This is a great way to educate your team and spark meaningful conversations. 3. Decorate Your Workspace Put up a Pride flag. Encourage employees to add Pride-themed decorations to their workstations. Flags and rainbows can brighten the office and show support. Provide the flags and materials for decorating to make it easy for everyone to get involved. 4. Pride-themed Social Events Organize events such as a Drag Pride Brunch or a company picnic and invite everyone. These gatherings offer a relaxed setting to celebrate. Hire a host – your local drag performers are fun experts! 5. Support 2SLGBTQ+ Charities Consider a company-wide fundraiser or volunteer day for LGBTQ+ organizations. This not only shows your company's commitment to the community but also makes a tangible impact. Some favourite organizations are The Trevor Project(https://www.thetrevorproject.org), Rainbow Refugee(https://www.rainbowrefugee.com), and UNYA 2 Spirit Collective (https:// https://unya.bc.ca/programs/2-spirit-collective/.ca). 6. Celebrate National Indigenous Peoples Day on June 21st June 21st is National Indigenous Peoples Day. This is an excellent opportunity to highlight and support Two-Spirit & Indigiqueer guests and teachings. Consider hosting an event featuring an Elder, speaker, artist or cause to honour this day. 7. Create Safe Spaces for Discussion Establish forums or meetings where employees can share their experiences and discuss 2SLGBTQ+ issues openly with the support of HR. This can help foster a supportive and inclusive workplace culture. 8. Celebrate LGBTQ+ Media, History and Achievements Share stories and achievements of LGBTQ+ individuals in your internal communications. This could be through newsletters, emails, or digital displays, highlighting important figures and milestones in both your company’s inclusion efforts and LGBTQ+ history. 9. Inclusive Benefits and Policies Review and ensure your company's benefits and policies include 2SLGBTQ+ employees. Announce that you are doing this review and invite any feedback. This includes healthcare benefits, parental leave, and anti-discrimination policies. 10. Measure Inclusion Ensure your managers are committed to Inclusion! Your managers should know you value inclusion because you include it in their work plan goals and performance metrics. Inclusion makes for happy teammates, employees and clients. Read more on our free download: How to Celebrate Pride at Work Promote Inclusivity & Attract Talent: According to a study by Glassdoor, 67% of job seekers consider workplace diversity an essential factor when considering employment. Celebrating Pride sends a clear message that the company values diversity and inclusion. Boost Employee Morale: Research by Deloitte found that employees who feel their company is committed to diversity and inclusion are 80% more engaged. Include Everyone: A survey by Human Rights Campaign revealed that 46% of LGBTQ+ workers are closeted at work. Enhance Brand Reputation: Companies that support LGBTQ+ rights and participate in Pride events often receive positive attention from consumers. Drive Business Success: McKinsey's research shows that companies in the top quartile for gender diversity on executive teams are 25% more likely to have above-average profitability. Celebrating Pride fosters diversity, which can lead to innovation and better decision-making. Improve Employee Retention: A study by the Center for Talent Innovation found that LGBTQ+ employees are 73% more likely to stay with a company where they can be themselves at work. Reduce Discrimination: According to the Williams Institute, 1 in 5 LGBTQ+ individuals have experienced discrimination in the workplace. Celebrating Pride can help combat discrimination by fostering a culture of acceptance and respect for all employees. Increase Customer Loyalty: Research by Community Marketing & Insights shows that LGBTQ+ consumers prefer to support businesses that support their community. By celebrating Pride, companies can build loyalty among LGBTQ+ customers and allies. Strengthen Employee Relationships: Pride celebrations provide opportunities for employees to connect with colleagues on a personal level, building stronger relationships and fostering a sense of community. Support Mental Health: LGBTQ+ individuals are more likely to experience mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, due to societal stigma and discrimination. Creating an inclusive workplace through Pride celebrations can help alleviate these issues by providing a supportive environment where employees feel valued and accepted. Read more at our free download here: How to Celebrate Pride at Work I fly a lot for work these days. I’m so grateful that communities and businesses invest in 2SLGBTQ inclusion, allyship, and customer service training. In the past year, I’ve been on dozens of flights to northern Alberta, Nova Scotia, Toronto, Reykjavik, Paris, and every corner of British Columbia.
Usually, when I board, a flight attendant or pilot calls me “sir”. I know they are trying to be polite, but every single time, it makes me cringe. I can’t help but think of all the non-binary and gender-diverse passengers getting misgendered on these flights all the time. Just because someone looks like a “sir” to you doesn’t mean they use masc (masculine) pronouns and titles. The same goes for “ma’am,” ”ladies and gentlemen,” and “boys and girls.” In all these cases, you might be insulting your customers. When you look at someone and assign them a gender, you might be getting it wrong. Someone’s looks don’t define their gender; their identity and how they feel do. For example, clients might identify as non-binary and prefer “they/them” pronouns. A client could also be transgender or genderqueer and not identify with the “sir” or “ma’am” that people always label them with. It’s not just airlines. Business all over the world make Queer people feel less welcome all the time. When Queer people feel less welcome, they are less likely to make purchases or have positive customer experiences. That’s a lot of frustrated customers. Instead of feeling excited to fly, some people might feel annoyed or avoid travelling altogether Surely, non-binary, androgynous, gender-diverse, transgender and Queer people deserve a welcoming experience as well. This is an easy fix: Gender Neutralize your words. Someone’s gender might be different than what you assume it to be. We want to make sure everyone feels welcome and valued. If you’re welcoming passengers aboard, try saying things like, “Welcome aboard” [full stop]. People will still feel seen, and the risk of offending has been removed. It’s the same reason I guide clients to let go of terms like ‘sir,’ ‘ma’am,’ ‘ladies and gentlemen,’ ‘boys and girls,’ ‘salesman,’ ‘businessman,’ ‘stewardess,’ ‘actress,’ ‘waitress,’ ‘fireman,’ or anything else gendered. It’s not about taking genders away from people, it’s about making sure everyone feels included. Instead of ‘policeman’, we say ‘police officer.’ Instead of ‘fireman,’ it’s ‘firefighter.’ You get the idea. If you really want to add a title, try ‘guest,’ ‘traveller,’ ‘learner,’ ‘valued member,’ etc. Finding the right title can be tricky—and hard to come up with one that doesn’t feel forced—but it’s a good exercise because there’s certainly more to your brand than ‘sir’ and ‘ma’am’. Get creative and highlight an aspect of someone’s experience with your brand other than their gender. It’s just a bit old school…and not in a good way… What do you prefer to ‘sir’ or ‘ma’am?’ Let me know by commenting on my Instagram Reel here. And if you still really like ‘ladies and gentlemen’, maybe it’s time to add another option, ‘ladies, gentlemen and non-binary folks…” That way, you won’t miss anyone. Shine bright, the world needs it! You’ve got this! Mischa Oak p.s. if this is Air Canada or WestJet reading, check out my inclusion and allyship workshops here. Ever wondered about the difference between being bisexual and pansexual? Bisexual people are attracted to more than one gender, while pansexual folks are attracted to people regardless of gender. Being bi or bisexual used to be thought of as an attraction to both women and men, but that definition left some nonbinary and gender-diverse people out, so we updated it! Now we consider bisexuality as attraction to more than one gender. Pansexuals experience attraction beyond gender. People who are pan focus on the person they connect with and aren’t constrained by gender. It’s not that they don’t see gender; it just means that’s not a deal breaker for them. I think of pan people as having won the jackpot – they have the most options! Both groups celebrate how diverse attraction can be. It's important to remember that while labels can help us understand each other, they shouldn't be where we put our focus. Instead of getting too caught up in labels, focus on deeper understanding and showing that we're there to support and uplift one another. In today's world, where there's a lot of misinformation and challenges to LGBTQ+ rights, it's important to continue visible allyship. Jump onboard, declare that you are glad for a world that includes Queer people. It is important to maintain visibility because they are trying to silence diversity. So instead of staying quiet consider taking the opportunity to say you are proud and happy to support Queer rights - and all diversity for that matter. We need to see those rainbows! Remember, you are part of a global community that supports Queer inclusion, safety, and empowerment which is amazing. Keep being you; No matter the label, you’re beautiful. Mischa Oak  pansexual pride flag bisexual pride flag Ever wondered what's with all the buzz about where trans and gender-diverse folks do their business? You're not alone. Turns out, the drama over washroom use is less about reality and more about fear-mongering. For decades, some conservative groups have played the fear card to rally support. By tapping into fears, they hope to score votes. But this tactic isn't new; it's a rehash of past discrimination tactics against minorities, like preventing Black and Indigenous folks from sharing washrooms with white people, or keeping gay men out of certain facilities. Trans people simply want to use the facilities in peace and move on with their day. Transgender women, in particular, face a double fear: violence or harassment in men's washrooms, which some politicians are trying to push them towards, and the fear of being outed (or even arrested in many places!) in women's facilities. With these proposed laws in place, where can transgender people go for a safe and dignified bathroom break? Rather than targeting trans individuals as a source of fear, let's focus on real safety concerns. Stats show that women face far greater risks from cisgender men in washrooms than they do from trans people. Instead of fear-mongering, why not invest in making public spaces safer for everyone? Who doesn’t want good lighting, good locks, privacy options and high visibility of entrances into public spaces? Those things make sense -- scapegoating doesn’t. Countries like Iceland lead the way by embracing inclusivity and creating welcoming washrooms and changerooms for everyone, including gender-diverse people. Their approach is proven to foster social harmony and reduce crime. Check out my recent Instagram video about the topic while working in Iceland here. So, let's prioritize safety, dignity, and inclusivity over fear. After all, the real issue isn't about who uses which washroom—it's about making them safe and dignified for everyone.
There’s a lot of negative talk out there these days, including misinformation from those who try to divide us based on our differences. But it doesn’t have to be that way!
During many of my speaking gigs – keynotes and corporate training – I get asked the question, so how does all this LGBTQ+ inclusion make a difference in my life? Here’s the secret that 2SLGBTQ+ people have known since we first came out: When we have the courage to be ourselves in one aspect of our lives, we gain the strength to be bolder in other aspects of our lives! This is why 2SLGBTQ+ folks are some of the most successful people you know! We aren’t afraid to make better, braver or more creative choices instead of always falling back on the ‘right’ choice. Try it! By letting go of outdated social norms that no longer serve you, you begin to see the world as opportunity instead of how it always has been. What this means for you – whether you are 2SLGBTQ+, straight or cisgender – is that your work creating a community of allies matters. By creating a community that is safe, welcoming and most importantly, empowering for 2SLGBTQ+ people, you are creating a world where EVERYONE is free to be themselves regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity. When we are all free to be ourselves, we can focus on making the world better instead of replicating the same ol’, same old. Think of the time you made the biggest impact in your life…were you trying to be someone else or were you bravely being you? Check out my Instagram reel on this topic — Why on Earth would anyone want to live in an LGBTQ+ city?! Are some of these terms new for you, or are you seeking clarity on what the letters in the 2SLGBTQIA+ acronym mean? Check out my complimentary LGBTQ+ Glossary of Terms. |
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