You Don’t Have to Fight Just Because They Want To

These days, being someone who hopes for a better, kinder world can feel like a strange and exhausting experience. It often seems like the choice is between speaking up—which can invite conflict—or staying quiet to keep the peace.

That’s how bullies win. They push us into silence with fear or wear us down until we give up. And while we all know the classic advice to “stand up to bullies,” what happens when you don’t feel like fighting? I certainly don’t!
The answer is this: operate at a higher frequency. Choose joy.

A lot of people are struggling right now. When people feel lost, they often look for someone to blame. For many, change is scary and for them Queer people symbolize change. Instead of facing that fear, they target Queer individuals as a threat. You’ve seen this play out in the news, politics, and even workplaces.

At times, it feels like this group of fear-driven individuals is growing louder and more entrenched. And in a sense, they are. When a politician or influencer points fingers, it’s easy for some to follow suit. But here’s the good news: this moment in time is also strengthening the resolve of allies like you. The gains we’ve made in inclusivity and understanding are undeniable. Communities are standing stronger with Queer people than ever before—that’s a win. And you’re part of that victory. Thank you.

But how do we keep moving forward when we’re so tired of the fighting? Here are some strategies we use in my workshops with communities, leaders, and service providers to help sustain hope and momentum:
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1. Raise the Bar
You don’t have to engage in every fight. Sometimes, the best response is a confident statement of your values and then moving forward. Try something like:

• “I believe in kindness. Let’s focus on that.”
• “I’m more concerned with making our workplaces safe and welcoming for everyone.”
• “I’m tired of fighting. Let’s find ways to support others instead.”

Then, smile and go on with your day. It feels good to focus your energy on what matters—making a real difference and supporting those who need it most.
 
2. Counter Fear with Joy
Nobody likes being around negativity, but everyone gravitates toward joy. If we, as allies and inclusive individuals, focus on building communities full of positivity, celebration, and success, we send a powerful message. Joy is contagious, and it’s one of our best arguments. While others wallow in doom and gloom, we’ll keep moving forward with laughter, and connection.

This strategy fuels us too. Celebration isn’t just fun—it’s survival. It gives us the strength to face challenges and the motivation to fight for a better world. Eventually, people will get tired of shaking their fist at the world and jump on board with the good times. Joy will win in the long run and will help us get through tough times ahead.
 
3. Stand Firm with Facts
When fear-driven arguments try to pull you in, stay grounded in truth. Here are a few powerful facts to keep in your back pocket:

• Research from the University of British Columbia shows that making schools safer for Queer kids makes schools safer for all kids.
• Cambridge University Press found that well-designed gender-free bathrooms increase both safety and privacy.
• Google’s massive Project Aristotle identified psychological safety for all members, including those from diverse backgrounds as the most important factor for successful teams.

Inclusion doesn’t just feel good—it works. It strengthens teams, communities, and organizations. The studies prove it, and the harmony we experience in inclusive spaces is undeniable.


Stay Strong and Keep Moving Toward Kindness
Your work, your community, and your team are stronger together. If I can help, don’t hesitate to reach out. I work with communities, companies, teams, school staff, and healthcare providers to create more welcoming spaces and help allies feel more confident.
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Together, we can keep moving toward kindness. Together, we can build a world fueled by joy.
Until next time and thanks for subscribing!

Mischa Oak
LGBTQ Inclusion Training
lgbtqinclusion.com

Sources:
- University of British Columbia. SOGI 1 2 3 Evaluation Report. APSC & SARAVYC, 8 Oct. 2024
- Bovens, L., Marcoci, A. "The gender-neutral bathroom: A new frame and some nudges." Behavioural Public Policy, Cambridge University Press, 20 Jul. 2020
- Duhigg, C. “What Google learned from its quest to build the perfect team.” The New York Times Magazine. 2016