Are you a groomer? (nope)

Why Supporting Trans People Doesn’t Make You a Groomer
I get called a “groomer” on social media all the time—usually by anonymous accounts or people emboldened by their keyboards. It happens face-to-face too. It can be deeply unsettling. These accusations hurt because they attack the very core of what it means to care for others.

If you’re an ally like me, you’ve probably been called a “groomer” too. It stings because inclusion is about protecting vulnerable people, not exploiting them. The insult is intentionally designed to destabilize and silence you. It’s a cruel tactic, but there are ways to respond.

What Grooming Really Is
Grooming is a calculated process where predators manipulate trust to exploit minors. It’s abuse—period. Supporting trans people is entirely different. Advocating for inclusion creates safe spaces where people can exist free from harm.

How I Know Inclusion Is Right
My confidence that inclusion training makes organizations more successful comes from decades of experience as a teacher. I watched countless Queer students thrive when they were supported, and I saw firsthand how inclusion transforms lives. 

Inclusion reduces conflict and creates ecosystems of potential. I now travel the country supporting companies, educators and communities master inclusion amplifies excellence™ for their students, clients, colleagues and community members. 

How to respsond to being called a “Groomer.” 

1. Know the Law
   In Canada, calling an LGBTQ+ person a “groomer” can constitute defamation, with legal protections against hate speech. Calmly pointing this out and mentioning the law often stops the behavior.
2. Avoid Escalation
   It can be tempting to engage directly or call out their creepy focus on other peoples’ genders, but this often escalates conflict and leaves you feeling drained. In professional spaces, it can harm your credibility more than theirs.
3. Raise the Bar
   This is the strategy we practice in my workshops. It’s about shifting the conversation to move forward while preserving your energy. Sometimes some people you are dealing with would rather fight than be reasonable so indulging them is a lose-lose situation.  Your responsibility in those situations is to move on with the job at hand.  Stating your overarching goal, like, “Our company serves and welcomes all clients,” is enough.
   
   ​An essential part of this strategy is making your point and moving on. Don’t let the conversation exhaust you or burn you out. Redirecting the focus helps avoid unnecessary conflict and keeps the bigger picture in sight.

Recognize the Bigger Picture
The “groomer” label is recycled rhetoric once used to demonize gay men as predators to justify discrimination. Today, it targets trans people and allies, perpetuating fear and hostility. By standing firm, leading with empathy, and practicing “raise the bar,” allies can push back.

You know your heart is in the right place—don’t let them shake your confidence. 

Your allyship matters now more than ever.

Please reach out if I can support you or your team in this important work.

​Getting tired? Check out my instagram reel on the topic here.